Anonymous: I am 19 years old and I am currently expecting my first child. I, as well as my family, are very excited. I am having a beautiful, little girl! But I have a problem. My daughter’s father recently had a baby with another woman. When she was giving birth, I was finding out I was pregnant. Now, the problem isn’t this woman or her baby, it’s the fact that she lives with my boyfriend and his parents in their house. I don’t like it and I do want to get a place with my boyfriend, but he seems very reluctant.
On top of all that he is never around when I need him, and he never buys anything for the baby or does anything nice for me. He works, but he never seems to have money! While I, on the other hand, work 40+ hours a week every week and I’m 7 months pregnant. I have no problem being independent and raising this baby without him and making sure she has everything she needs, but I would like her father to be in her life. My dad wasn’t in mine so I know how hard it can be and I don’t want my daughter to experience that. What do you think I should do?
I am happy that you are happy and that your family is excited and supportive of this new chapter of your life. And I am proud of you for being independent and taking care of business financially. Keyword financially. When it comes to the mental and emotional aspects of taking care of business and preparing for the birth of your daughter, there can be some improvements on your part. And I say that from a place of love.
I am proud of you for working so that you can give your all to your daughter, but although children need financial support, they also need mental and emotional support and stability. And it seems as if, at this moment in time, you may not be able to give that to your unborn daughter because you can’t even give it to yourself. But also, a parent has to be around in order to give emotional and mental support and stability and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to be. Around that is.
Mentally and emotionally, where are you when it comes to the state of your relationship with your boyfriend and his actions? Mentally and emotionally, how do you feel knowing that you and your daughter aren’t a priority to your boyfriend or at least not one of the main priorities? I do understand that he has another family, another child and that they are a priority, but why aren’t both of his children his main priority? Is he very involved, financially, mentally and emotionally in his other child’s life? I know he is physically, he lives with him/her.
If you weren’t pregnant with your daughter would you still be with your boyfriend? If your daughter was in this exact situation, what would you tell her to do? Would you tell her to know her worth and choose happiness? Or would you tell her to stick it out for the sake of her child?
As someone whose parents stuck it out for the children, it was very obvious to all of us that they didn’t like or truly love each other. So, would you rather show your daughter the unconditional love you have for yourself as well as show her how to love herself unconditionally? Or would you show her how to settle, go along to get along, and just exist in life instead of living, truly loving, and thriving?
And also, why can’t you both be great parents, great co-parents, without having to be in a relationship? I know it’s easier said than done, but if someone wants to be a parent, wear that title and take on the responsibilities of being a parent, it sometimes means compromising. So again, why can’t you both have a friendly, respectful, platonic relationship that will enhance your daughter’s joy?
And in regard to the living situation, you’ve said so yourself, your boyfriend’s reluctant about moving in. But why is he? I think you might need to dig a little deeper and figure out why he wants to continue living with his ex-girlfriend instead of with you and your daughter. Also, where is his money going? Do you believe him when he says he doesn’t have money or do you think he just does not want to give that money to you?
And he hasn’t bought anything for the baby even though she’s coming soon. That’s a red flag. He works but does not give you money for the baby or buy anything for her. Another red flag. And he doesn’t want to move in with you or with your daughter and he’s never around. Another red flag. That’s a lot of red flags!
Do you think his actions will change once you have the baby? If so, why? He’s showing you how he feels about you, the relationship, and your daughter. For all intents and purposes, and from what you’ve said, it seems that he will most likely be an absentee father that doesn’t provide.
I know you deserve more than that, and that your child deserves more than that, but do you know that you deserve more than how he treats you and your daughter? Now that you’re pregnant and expecting a little one, you have to make decisions that are best for her. And staying with a guy who treats you with disrespect and who isn’t there for you isn’t what’s best for your daughter.
What is best for your daughter is to have a mommy that is mentally and emotionally healthy! So with that being said, don’t settle for this guy! Choose to focus on giving your all to your daughter and yourself and continue providing for yourself and your little girl.
And one more thing, not to disparage anyone but the writing was on the wall when it came to the kind of man this guy was. He had 2 women pregnant at the same time. I know accidents happen, but back to back like that, it definitely wasn’t a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, it takes two to tango, but having two women pregnant at the same time it’s very disrespectful to the women, the children as well as to himself. But again, it takes two to tango. And from this entire ordeal, I hope you learn to use discernment about who you invite into your life and into your bed.
And I truly hope that all the adults, you, your boyfriend, and the other mother of his child, are able to be civil, respectful and co-parent well together. Set everything else aside and just focus on the children, on the siblings. And I do understand that life happens, but choose to make better decisions, not only for yourself but your daughter.
Next time, choose a better partner. Choose to make the conscious choice to be on birth control and always use a condom. Choose to make your mental and emotional health a priority and choose to give your all to mothering. I wish you well on your journey and congratulations! I’m excited for you and for this amazing little being that is about to enter the world. Good luck!