Anonymous: It truly bothers me when girls who have moms complain about them. My mom is not with me. She passed away when I was very young, and I would give anything to have a mother-daughter relationship with her and for us to be able to do normal, everyday things together.
First, I would like to start off by saying how very sorry I am for your loss, your pain, and your grief. And I am very sorry that you had to experience such an event at such a young age. Now, I can tell you are triggered whenever others speak ill of their moms because yours has passed away, but your response is also very triggering to others.
Not everyone has a great relationship with their mother, and for you to shame them for protecting themselves or loving themselves because they choose to have a non-traditional relationship, or no relationship, for that matter with their mother, is once again very triggering. You never know someone else’s experiences or why they respond the way that they do, so I believe you shouldn’t judge their situation.
Maybe a person’s relationship is strained with their mom because she is abusive. I know that is the case with my mom. Maybe a person’s relationship is strained with their mom because she always belittles them and talks down to them. Maybe a person’s relationship is strained with their mom because she is an addict. Once again, you never know someone else’s experiences or life, so you should try not judging what you only see from the outside.
But I do understand your point of view. You wished you had a mom, and I am so sorry that you do not get to experience a mother-daughter relationship, but, putting things in perspective, you might have lost your mom at a young age, but you at least knew that she loved you. Some people’s mothers are alive and around today, but they know for a fact that she doesn’t love them and never could because of the verbal, mental, emotional or physical abuse she throws their way.
And I just want you to recognize that you and girls that have strained relationships with their mothers are two sides of the same coin. You are mourning the mother you never got to experience, and they are mourning the kind, loving and gentle mother they deserved throughout their whole life and never got to experience as well. There is a commonality between the two groups, so I would think that would make you all sisters in arms.
And instead of blaming others for having a mom and for not having the relationship you believe they should have with their moms; I think you should work on your feelings towards your mother passing. You have a lot of pent up anger and instead of working through it you are projecting it onto others. And there is nothing wrong with your pain or your anger, but it is not meant to walk with you on your journey through life.
So, if you can, reach out to a grief counselor or seek out group therapy and begin to work through your feelings. And once again, I am so very sorry for your loss and for you missing out on a mother-daughter relationship, but I do not think you are mad at others for having a mom. I think you are mad at your mom for abandoning you. I know she passed away, but maybe your subconsciousness is viewing it, and feeling, as if you were abandoned.
So, group therapy and grief counseling will help you come to terms with all of your feelings and thoughts. And I hope you will be able to heal and move on within your life. I wish you peace, love, and happiness on your journey to forgiveness and healing.