Anonymous: I suffer from anxiety and depression and I am very needy when it comes to relationships. But I am wondering if it is okay for me to be in a relationship. At this point in time, I feel that my journey of healing will take a while and I would hate to miss out on great opportunities in my dating life as well as miss out on joyful moments and memories because I have issues to work out. What do you think?
I am very proud of you for acknowledging that you have some things to work on. But I have a couple of questions for you, are you really giving your all to your healing right now? Have you focused on or figured out why you are needy? Have you discovered what your triggers are when it comes to your anxiety?
Have you sought out help for your depression? What have you done to begin the process of healing and loving and accepting yourself? I know these may seem like a lot of questions, but I feel as if they will help you make sense of what path is right for you at this particular moment in time.
And from what you have said, about your desire to experience great opportunities and joyful moments with others, why can’t you have that with yourself right now? Why do you need someone else to lighten your life? Why can’t you lighten your own life?
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting the companionship of others as you go through your journey in life, but do you desire the companionship for the right reasons? Are you looking for people to feed your soul, rather than you doing that yourself? Truly, ask yourself, what are the motivations behind you wanting to date right now?
Also, bringing in another person while you are focusing on healing, usually makes it that much harder to heal. Being in a relationship with someone would mean less time for you to devote to your mental and emotional health. And of course, you could tell yourself that you would continue to devote time to your healing while being in a relationship, but do you really think you would?
Tell me, you have been focusing on and devoting time to your healing up until this point, without anyone in the picture, how is it going? And how do you think it will go when you factor in someone else’s thoughts, desires and feelings? People lose themselves in relationships every day and it is always because they desire to be loved, but they never seem to come to the conclusion that all the love that they could ever truly need comes from within.
Question, do you honestly believe dating or being in a relationship with someone else will help you on your journey to healing? And you said so yourself, you are needy, do you honestly believe that particular habit will not come out in the course of your relationship?
And it is okay to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back, or even 1 step forward and 2 steps back, as long as you continuously try, and I think this is where you are on your journey. You have acknowledged that you have some things to work on and you have begun to work on them, but there is a huge lesson that you are ignoring, and it happens to be right in your face.
It seems as if you are looking for someone to validate your existence and your worth and you are putting it under the guise of wanting to enjoy others’ company and wanting to be free from missing out on great experiences and great people. But you are a person. Why can’t you create great, joyful experiences with yourself? This lesson in your life is here to teach you to care for yourself and love yourself.
So, don’t push this lesson off to focus on a situation that would cause you to end up back where you are now. Have you thought about taking this time and focusing on building up your self-esteem and getting your anxiety and depression under control before dating? Doing this will help you learn to love yourself and like yourself, as well as truly get to know who you are on a spiritual level.
And as you probably already know, the journey to healing is not an easy one and, it is okay to get knocked down or take 1 step forward and 2 steps back, it is all a part of the process. But you cannot give up on yourself and your healing, you just can’t. And is it at all possible that you desiring to date, instead of focusing all your time and energy on healing, is your step backwards?
Again, taking steps back are normal in the path to healing, but just be conscious that all choices and actions have consequences and reactions. And just know that I am rooting for you and walking along with you on your journey to self-love, self-acceptance and healing. I wish you the best along with peace, love and happiness! Good luck!