So, for this post, instead of focusing on others’ stories, I will focus on my own. I have always journaled to make sense of my thoughts, so, I am posting thoughts, separate thoughts, from my journal in regard to a serious matter that has followed me around, for a while. And recently I have been triggered, I am not sure why, and instead of running from my past, I am choosing to face it, heal from it and work towards forgiving all parties involved, even myself.
And I say myself because when you are molested as a kid, you internalize that experience as your fault, so I am choosing to forgive the judgement towards myself and instead offer myself love and compassion. So, I hope what I am posting will help others who have experienced what I have experienced. So, here goes!
I feel anger and sadness. Sadness that I’m going through everything alone. Sadness and a feeling of shock. Living with someone that molested me. Typing the words makes it all the more real. Sadness that no one noticed what took place years earlier. The absurdity of it all. My mom, how did she not know? There were so many signs growing up. So many signs. There’s a feeling of disappointment flowing through me. Disappointment that I wasn’t protected or provided for.
I’m trying to work through everything while living in the same house as my molester. And honestly, I’m not sure how I feel. I am writing this to work through my feelings, but I honestly feel very empty. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel that I want to forgive; forgive all parties involved. My parents, my grandmother and my molester. But my body is screaming no. It is screaming that the anger and feelings of confusion are valid. It is screaming that I did not deserve what happened.
My mind keeps racing and I am experiencing a feeling of a lack of self-worth. But why? Maybe because I feel that if I were a worthy being, I would have been protected and looked after. But I know I cannot think that way. I know my self-worth is not tied to anyone but myself. I know that the way a person responds, reacts to me or treats me has nothing to do with me. I feel that something HAS to come through this. Something good. If it doesn’t, what was everything for?