How do I feel?

How do I feel?

Crazy. Lazy. Distraught. Unsure of myself and what actions to take. Confused about who I am and what I want. Unhappy with the life I’ve created for myself. Searching for something and someone to show me, anything, that could drag me out of this slump. Conflicted because I desire to choose the road less traveled but traveling along society’s road is oh so tempting.

Broken and battered. Trying to pull myself out of this slump, this depression. Feeling so much anger, hatred and a thousand and one unnamable emotions towards the people who stole my innocence. Shame in myself over crying over spilled milk, surprised that the actions of others still have the ability to affect me. Hoping that something may come, hoping that tomorrow might bring a better, brighter day. 

Happy to have gotten my feelings out, but still feeling down. Happy to have posted something, anything, to my site. Unhappy in the direction my spiritual career is taking. Happy to know that I’m still open to trying and that today is another day. Choosing to wallow and just be. Choosing to accept the actions of others and accepting how those actions affect me. Choosing to sit with that part of me that feels unloved and unwanted. Hating myself for wanting to feel loved and wanted.

Feeling so confused about who I am. Wanting to choose my own path, but not knowing how to. Feeling so bogged down and tired from my lineage. Knowing that this isn’t where my happiness lies. This isn’t my authentic self. This isn’t ME. Who am I? I don’t know. What do I want for me? Where does my truth lie? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? I don’t know.

Trusting in the Creator and the Universe that something good is coming out of all this. That all of my work was not for naught. That there is a method to the madness and that tomorrow may bring me the experiences, the prosperity and the abundance that I wish to see. Choosing to fight another day but knowing that my heart isn’t in it. Choosing to succumb and just be.

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