Anonymous: I fell in love 9 months ago, to someone I never expected to find at 20 years old. in an instant, I saw comfort and joy in his eyes. I felt safe and at home. I introduced him to my parents, and they hated him. I couldn’t understand why, they didn’t even know him. They didn’t want to get to know him.
I saw an incredible man, who was incredible to me, and they did everything they could to tear us apart. They told me I was stupid for dating him. They told me I was blind. They told me he was worthless. They didn’t allow him over and I was rarely allowed to see him.
Me and him never had issues. We only felt joyous love and happiness with each other. All of my friends and family were so happy for me, and so supportive. It was so easy to smile around him. And then after 9 months, it was like a switch. He randomly became distant and then broke up with me in a text message. I was heartbroken, confused, devastated and my parents were thrilled.
Two weeks go by in utter misery and loneliness, and he calls me. He begs for my forgiveness, he cries saying he felt like I deserved better than him and he didn’t want to get between me and my parents and he freaked out. He said he made the worst mistake of his life.
I told him we could meet in a few days, in person to really express everything we each feel and get everything out in the open so I can understand what happened and why and so he can understand what he put me through. I hadn’t told my parents yet, I was just hoping for a chance that he and I could talk first.
And everything seemed okay, and then a switch flipped within my mother. By the time I finished my dinner, she was throwing laundry at me and calling me a liar. She will not talk to me or look at me. She hacked into my phone and saw I had talked to him and now she wants nothing to do with me
I fell in love 9 months ago, with someone who I believe fell in love with me too. And I’m left in the middle between choosing misery at home while being in love or losing the love of my life, so I am not abused at home. I cannot win. I am beyond lost. I want so badly to be with him. For once in my life, I had something that made me truly happy and excited to be alive.
And I feel like I can’t have it out of fear of disgracing my parents. I have my parents saying I’m running back to the one who broke my heart, and I have others telling me to fight for what I want and believe in no matter what other people think. I don’t know what to do. I can’t isolate my own feelings, because all I feel is fear. Fear of my parents. Fear of losing him. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of never being strong enough to live my life how I want.
First, I want to say that I am so happy for you because you get to experience something that most don’t, true love. And I call it that because the emotion and the authenticity you used to write about your relationship truly speaks to a once in a lifetime love. And I want to commend you and I tip my hat off to you because I know what it’s like to be abused by people who claim to love you, and the fact that you’re still open to giving and receiving love is amazing.
You and your relationship are awe-inspiring. And I don’t think you should give this relationship up for anything or anyone. It’s your choice and your life that you have to lead, no one else’s. You have to choose the path that is best for you and the one that will make you the happiest. But do you think the happiest path for you is being abused by your parents?
And your parents didn’t like your boyfriend from the beginning because your boyfriend always saw your worth. He ALWAYS saw you as the beautiful, worthy being that you are. And your parents knew from the onset that this guy and this relationship would help you see your worth and show you that you deserve better than how your parents treat you. Abusers hate for the people they abuse to have confidence and it seems your boyfriend instills confidence in you. Way to go for finding a significant other that builds you up instead of tears you down!
I’m just in awe of you because it seems like you’ve found your person. You’ve found your person that will be there for you and stick by you through anything. And I do know that this guy probably broke up with you because he thought he was doing the right thing by choosing your parents and your relationship with them for you. But he has to understand that communication is part of a healthy relationship and that if you wanted to break up with him you would have told him. But it’s commendable that he would sacrifice your relationship for your relationship with your parents.
And, to be quite honest, your relationship with your parents has nothing to do with your relationship with him. Your parents are abusive and controlling and they want you to stay the same and not grow and evolve. And your relationship with this man is allowing you to grow and evolve into the amazingly, beautiful and confident women that you always were. If your relationship with this man was not the catalyst it would have been something else because your parents want you to stay stagnant and not develop your voice.
And don’t worry about disgracing your parents. Your parents have disgraced themselves time and time again by how they’ve treated you and the fact that they consciously chose to not teach you your worth. So, there is no way you could ever disgrace your parents more than they have already disgraced themselves and the sanctity of parenthood.
And it’s okay to be fearful. You’re going through tremendous changes. You’re starting to see your parents for who they really are and you’re beginning to forge your own path in life. So, there is a lot to be fearful of. But the biggest fear should be the fear of stagnation, because that is the kiss of death for any relationship and for anyone’s life. But you’re having the exact opposite problem, you are growing and evolving on so many levels and you should be proud of yourself! And I believe you deserve a slow clap because you are handling everything rather well!
And you can’t live for your parents. Your parents want you to be unhappy. And I understand that your parents may be financially supporting you, but there are many ways to get from out under there thumb and still accomplish your dreams and desires. So, if you were to get back with your boyfriend and your parents were to cut you off financially, you could make a way and succeed without their support.
So, by now it should be clear that I am rooting for you and your boyfriend! I hope and wish you both have a long lasting, unconditionally loving union. And I say continue forging your own path, acknowledging your self-worth and loving yourself because confidence looks good on you. And write back in and let us all know how everything’s going. We’re rooting for you!