I have a complicated relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. I love him very much, but unfortunately he has addiction issues, with drugs and alcohol. I’ve tried to stick it out and believe him when he say he’s “getting better” but since it’s led to things getting worse, I decided to take a break from the relationship about 4 months ago. I’ve started seeing him lately, but I can’t tell if he’s getting better. My mom and friends really don’t like him, too. How should I approach this?
Why do you love him and this relationship more than you love yourself? It seems this relationship is taking a toll on you and it doesn’t seem to be enhancing your life or your happiness. From my view point it seems that you stay because you believe you deserve a relationship in which you give more of yourself to the relationship than your partner does and one in which you’re significant others is at the center of the relationship. And it honestly seems as if you don’t really wish to leave the relationship because if you did, you would have been gone a long time ago and would not have looked back.
Why do you want a life where there is so much toxicity, toxicity that is not even of your own making? You even said that he says he is getting better even when he is getting worse. He obviously does not want to change and he sees nothing wrong with his current lifestyle. You can’t hope for some to change, they will only change if they have the desire to.
It almost seems as if you like the negativity and toxicity that comes with being in a relationship with someone that is addicted to substances. Almost as if you take comfort in the fact that you’re needed by him. Maybe because you equate love to being needed rather than wanted?
True, unconditional love is wanting to be with someone, not needing to. True love is you being whole on your own, your partner being whole on their own and both individuals acknowledging that you both enhance each other’s happiness. Which takes me to my next point, happiness. It doesn’t seem as if you’ve been happy in this relationship for a while, so why stay?
I’ve posed a lot of questions that I think you should sit with before figuring out your next steps and how to handle this situation. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is best deep down. It’s your life and you can’t live for anyone. Not your mom, not your friends and definitely not your boyfriend. Just do that which will make you the happiest.