No matter what age you are, your occupation or your societal status there’s always more to learn and more to aspire to. Such as loving yourself unconditionally instead of projecting your self-hatred and self-loathing onto others. It’s just, I expected more from that professor, not because she’s older, being 27, but because of the fact she is transitioning.
She obviously knows what it’s like to live outside of societal norms, so to turn around and perpetrate those norms onto others, it’s mind boggling, to say the least. And I in no way wish to judge others or want others to feel judged by me, but seeing their actions lets me know that they are not who I desire to walk my journey with, let alone the people I wish to spend hours with every week in class.
It just saddens me the number of people who choose to forego inner healing and instead focus on material pursuits and educational achievements. It’s as if you are covering a gaping wound with several band aids, it doesn’t really do anything, but you hope it will. You believe the straight A’s, the high marks, the new Jordan’s or Chanel bag will make you feel better or at least elevate your worth in the eyes of others. But what about your worth in your own eyes?
It just saddens me to be surrounded by others that believe they have to change who they truly are and morph into someone they are not to belong and fit in with other individuals that are changing and morphing into who they believe others want them to be. It’s a cycle that continues and has continued, passed on from generation to generation, from mother and father to child since the dawn of time.
And it hurts that because I choose to walk securely in my being-ness and to love all of me and to be secure in being me and secure in walking without them, I’m viewed with distrust and branded with a scarlet letter. I’m branded the scarlet letter because when others see me I trigger something within them. I trigger the part of them that desires acceptance and validation from others, i.e. since I’m not validating their exist and their being-ness there must be something wrong with me. But what’s wrong with inner validation instead of going outside of one’s self for your worth?
What’s wrong with knowing you’re the shit and not having to seek that knowingness because of how others treat you or view you. And this is a lesson I can learn too. I am confident, but sometimes my barriers and armor are not as strong as I would like, and I am not able to deflect the hurtful blows of others, but with time I believe I can achieve that level of self-acceptance and self-confidence. But with all things, it takes trial and error, time, energy and effort.
But also, I trigger in them a conscious thought of not truly loving and accepting themselves. I pose a threat because I’m fine walking alone, without needing others to stand beside me, and that’s honestly a level of comfort and confidence that they have not reached yet or maybe never will reach. And sometimes I forget that not everyone has done the inner work and is exactly where I am spiritually.
I hope that my professor and classmates would take a moment to look within and see the pain and self-loathing they truly feel instead of spewing it out onto others. As I’ve said, there is almost more to aspire to be and there is always more to learn. I just truly hope that one day we can all love ourselves and others unconditionally while truly respecting ourselves and the boundaries of others.