My dad used to be really abusive to my brother and me…

My dad used to be really abusive to my brother and me, but he’s not like that anymore. I remember my dad hitting me a few times like two years ago, but he hasn’t done that since then. We sometimes get into arguments, and I start yelling and he gets mad at me because I’m yelling.

Throughout the entire argument, he remains calm and composed.  I know the reason I yell and scream is because he used to react that way towards me and I can’t be mad at him because everything happened in the past, even though he’s still emotionally abusive sometimes. I’m not sure what to do!!!

Yes, you can be mad at him! You’re mad at him for a reason, and although I don’t agree with how you express your anger, it’s better to feel it than tamping it down. And you have every right to be mad, your dad emotionally abuses you and probably manipulates you too.

And it’s great that you recognize that you’re reacting instead of responding to your dad and the situation. Have you thought that maybe the reason your dad is now suddenly so calm during arguments, is because he wants you to react? He wants to push you over the edge so he can blame you for the argument, his behavior and for his emotional abuse? When it comes to abusers, they are ALWAYS right and everyone is ALWAYS wrong, and your reacting is giving him what he wants.

And trust me, I know it’s so hard to not react when someone continues to hurt you, time and time again, but if you don’t react, I guarantee you, your dad will show his true colors and he will react, not you. And have you thought about grey rocking? It’s when people who have relationships with abusers, act like a grey rock. Which means that you answer using short sayings, such as “yes”, “no”, or “okay”. And your face is always expressionless and you show no emotion whenever the abuser talks to you.

Ultimately, it’s your choice how you wish to view the situation and whether you choose to react or respond to the situation with your dad. But just don’t put your dad’s feelings above your own! You deserve to be heard, and your feelings are completely valid. You deserve happiness and to have healthy relationships that don’t consist of abusive relationships.