So, it was father’s day in Canada this weekend, and I have been no contact with my dad. He was abusive to me as a child and I’m still dealing with the aftermath of the trauma in my adult years, even though I somewhat understand why he might’ve done what he did to me. 

I haven’t seen him in person for around 6 years now, but my mom said that I should send him a message saying “Happy Father’s Day” to be the bigger person. But I didn’t want to, considering he has not been a father to me and doesn’t bother to reach out to me or see how I am. My brother still has contact with him, here and there, so I wrote a message on my brother’s phone, saying “Happy Father’s Day” from the both of us with our names and sent it.

My father replied back “Thank you”, but he only mentioned my brother’s name and excluded me. Now I don’t know if he meant to do that to be petty on purpose or not, but now I feel like an idiot because I’ve been made out to be the “Bad Guy” or bad daughter when he’s never been a real father. Am I wrong in this?

You are completely valid in your feelings and in your decision to not say happy Father’s Day. You grew up in a traumatic and toxic environment, parts of which still live with you today, and your father was the cause of that trauma. So, your feelings and your choice and desire of going no to little contact with your father are understandable.

And I am assuming that your mom was privy to the abuse you received in your childhood? It is astonishing that she would want you to disregard your feelings and put the feelings of someone else first. When does loving or caring for someone means you stop caring for yourself? You’re having little to no contact with your dad is you protecting, loving and caring for yourself. Don’t let anyone, especially your mom and family, shame you for putting your needs first.

And you are not the bad guy. You are an amazing being that is trying to rebuild the rocky foundation that you were given at birth and experienced as a child. In my eyes, you are an awe-inspiring Rockstar. And, your father was most likely being petty and trying to make you feel guilty, don’t be. Your feelings and your responses to your dad are very justifiable and normal. I guarantee that the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing, others are experiencing them too.

And congratulations on going 8 years with no contact, I have 2 years no contact with my father and my mother. And, it was the best decision I could have ever made. I do have bouts of guilt, like you experience, but I know that leaving would and has enhanced my happiness and my love for myself, life and others. So, on behalf of the no contact club, we send you good vibes, peace, and happiness.