I’ve realized that I have exhibited warning signs of sexual abuse dating back to when I was younger (8-10), and I’m not sure how to think or feel. I don’t have any memories of sexual abuse, but I have major gaps in my memory during that time period. I do have one memory of seeking out rape porn at 9, and I recently found an old account on an 18+ fanfic website where I was reading, commenting, and even writing that material at age 10. Should I tell my parents or just my therapist?
I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this, but also that you’re experiencing this alone. I do believe that telling your therapist is a great idea. They may be able to help you look into your psyche and see if there is any truth to what you believe occurred.
You should first contact your therapist and have them help you make sense of what you’re thinking and feeling. You seem very calm right now, but if you were to experience a memory of the sexual abuse, that would be a whole different story. Of course, you can speak to your parents, but there is no way of knowing how they will react to hearing any of this.
I am worried for you because If you are proved to be right, that information will change you forever. But I do want to let you know that you are not alone. There are others out there that have experienced what you’re going through and that are experiencing what you’re going through. My advice, from someone that has experienced what you’re going through, is to take everything slow. Don’t let your mind run away with you. And that no matter the outcome, you are a worthy being that deserves to feel safe and protected. I know when I found out I was sexually abused, and the memories started to come back, I felt unworthy. Just know that you are never alone and that there are people out in the world rooting for you to shine, thrive and flourish.