If you could define my family with one word, it would be “dysfunctional. My family is the definition of DYSFUNCTION. My father is a horrible dad and an all-around horrible person. He gets furious and agitated with the most mundane and tiny details. My sister is rude, nasty and resorts to name calling me the most horrible and worst names known to man. But the worst thing is, I know what she says is true.
I tried drowning myself in the bathroom, but I was too scared. I always stopped right before I would black out. It’s terrifying, I tell you. But I always put myself back together and went out into the world smiling. But, my life is getting better. I never want to take my life again. Except I still think that I’m a failure. And sometimes I feel so full of myself and that I’m better than everyone else. And I think I feel too much. I am super-sensitive and sometimes when I feel down, I can’t hold those feelings inside of my body.
I want to do something with myself and help the world, but I always feel that nothing I do will ever bring good to the world. I don’t think I have depression, but maybe I have other mental problems? I do know that if I tell my parents about how I feel and what I think, they won’t accept me. My mother would laugh in my face and my father would brush it aside. My brother tried to harm himself a while back, and my father said it was normal. So I know that I can’t tell him how I feel. It would be too painful!
I am so sorry to hear how tough your life has been and still is. But, I am happy that you are here today, seeking guidance and acceptance. I want you to know that you are worthy of life and love. That you deserve for someone to see the greatness in you and accept you for who you are. You’re writing in shows me that you are still open to giving and receiving unconditional love, something your parents aren’t capable of doing.
You and your siblings are symptoms of the problem and the problem are your parents. It’s no coincidence that both you and your brother have contemplated and attempted suicide. Again I say, you are not the problem. And I am so happy that you reached out because this shows that you are ready for a solution. It also shows that you do want to live and that there is a small part of yourself that knows/acknowledges that you are worthy of life.
The first step is to reprogram your brain to see that you aren’t the problem and that you matter. You’ve been conditioned to think that you’re worthless and stupid and that no one will love you. You’re wrong! You are love, loved and lovable. Remember, who are the people that are telling you that you’re worthless and stupid? They may be your parents, but they are two very unhappy and unhealthy human beings. When a person doesn’t like life, let alone love themselves, they try to make other people hate themselves. Your father said that it’s normal to want to kill yourself, it’s not. But, to someone that hates themselves and their lives, like your father, it is normal. I guarantee you, your father contemplates and considers self-harming all the time.
From your life experiences, I can see why you would think you were a failure, but I guarantee you, you’re not. You believe you’re a failure because that is what has been projected onto you. Your parents have projected their fears, insecurities, and unworthiness onto you and your siblings your entire/whole life. When it comes to helping the world, we all suffer from insecurities about finding our purpose, and it’s okay. Some people find their purpose early in life and some later in life. It’s about the journey and about you on your journey. It’s about you having faith in yourself as you figure out who you are and who you want to be. You are asking all of the right questions and I know 100% that you will make something out of yourself! It seems you come from a family where everyone exists, instead of thrives, and you want to flourish and thrive. And, you’ve already taken the first step to thrive. You are asking all of the right questions and are contemplating what makes you happy. One day, you will figure out your purpose and you will understand that all you’ve been through, was for a reason.
Now when it comes to your suicidal thoughts, I do think you are suffering from depression, but that you are trying to fight it. Are you in school? If you are, you can contact your school’s psychologist. If you’re at University, most offer free counseling for students. You could go and talk to someone that can help you work out your feelings about life and your parents. STAY STRONG! Please don’t let your parents get to you. You are an amazing, capable, beautiful human being. You deserve all of the unconditional love and respect in the world. Below, I am attaching links to help you see yourself in a better light. Remember, the way people see us doesn’t matter. The way we see ourselves is what counts.