Growing up, my parents were not like normal, healthy parents. They were never around my whole entire life and they actively pushed me away and made me be a mom to my younger sister. I’m much older now and I thought I was okay with not having parents or having a relationship with my parents (I cut off all contact when I was 17). But lately, the idea of having good parents is so appealing. People who worry about you, love you unconditionally, with no strings attached, and help you grow and be a better person. I want that! But I don’t think I’ll ever get it, and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I am so sorry to hear that you didn’t have a childhood and that you were forced to take care of a child when you were still one yourself. My heart goes out to you and your brother for not having capable, doting, sincere, loving parents. And I am happy that you chose to take care of yourself, your health and happiness and chose to go no contact with your parents.
It’s okay to wonder about what life would have been like if you had great parents. It’s okay to think about how those parents would shower you with love, affection, and attention. You are fantasizing about having the parents you deserved, and in fact, you did deserve great parents.
Most likely, you won’t ever receive that love and affection from your parents. Of course, we desire people to change, but usually, people don’t unless they see something wrong within themselves. From what you’ve told me, it seems like your parents won’t change. And that is something that you have to accept and heal from. Of course, you may want and desire great parents or great parental figures, and you may get that, but you have to first understand that the longing for your parents will always be there.
There will always be a spot in your heart that won’t get filled because their love was the only love that was meant to fill that spot. And I am truly sorry that you’ve had to experience this and carry it with you. And I can tell you from experience that it does get better. It truly does, but you just have to be positive and believe in your path and the choices that you have made. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad for choosing to love yourself and put your needs first.